| The parents contact me to seek consultations about the issue of
arguing between their children. The parents told me the following
story: Joe (10 years old) and Monica (11 years old and diagnosed with
autism) were arguing to the point of driving their parents CRAZY!
According to their parents, Joe and Monica argued about sharing their
things, where to sit at the dinner table, where to sit in the car
(front seat or back seat), what TV show or movie to watch, etc. You
name it, if there was something to argue about, Joe and Monica found
it! They wanted to know whether this arguing was typical and was it
harmful to either of their children or the children's future relationship?
The parents described their responses ranging from talking to the
children about their behavior, telling Joe to be nicer to his sister
because she has been diagnosed with autism, mediating problem-solving
solutions, separating the kids, ignoring the arguing, and yelling
at the kids. They were tired.
Arguing among siblings is as natural as opening your eyes. If we
remember our own sibling relationships, we can easily recall episodes
of conflict. Such episodes occur even when one of the children has
been diagnosed with a disability. Actually, some level of conflict
is considered a healthy sign because the typical sibling is treating
his or her sibling with the disability just as he or she would treat
another sibling. In this instance, the typical sibling is treating
the child with autism as any other child and not a child with a
disability. The benchmark for parents would be excessive punching,
hitting, biting, kicking, which produced fear between siblings or
increased aggression. The sibling relationship research indicates
that siblings of the same gender and within 4 years of each other
are likely to have intense passionate relationships. Translated
as: they will argue! Siblings of different genders with more than
4 years between them are described as having the least passionate
relationship. Of course, factors such as each child's temperament,
family expectations, and life circumstances (a parent's death, disability)
can influence the degrees of closeness and conflict among siblings.
Despite all of this information, Joe and Monica's parents still
needed some practical ideas to address the World Wide Federation
Wrestling and Arguing matches between their children! Joe and Monica's
parents were on the right path. They were using ideas which could
help create peace in their home. The following ideas were discussed:
Educate your children about the disability. Upon further discussion,
it was discovered that Joe's parents had not discussed with him
the communication and social difficulties of his sister. With more
education about the reasons for his sister's behavior, the conflict
at the dinner table reduced to a tolerable level.
Find the root of the problem. Joe's parents sat down with him to
discover what he thought was the reason the arguing occurred so
frequently. They discovered that he felt left out and treated differently
than his sister. With the combination of education and time alone
with either or both parents, Joe reduced the frequency of picking
fights with his sister because he felt more secure. J6e's parents
also sat down with Monica to understand her perspective. She expressed
not understanding why her brother was mad all of the time. Monica
stated that she would do what he did to her when he was mad at her.
Monica's parents spent time with her, separately and together, to
teach her alternative ways to handle Joe's anger. For example, when
they are sifting at the dinner table, Monica could learn to ask
for the salt and pepper instead of reaching across Joe's plate.
Over time, Monica tried the new social skills, which replaced the
yelling and hitting of her brother.
Family Meetings. Family meetings bring a family together to talk
about the issues important to the family. The issues can be around
problem solving an issue or conflict to planning a family vacation.
Family meetings can occur once a week or twice a month. Keep in
mind the more frequent the more impact they will have on helping
the family communicate. The length of a family meeting is determined
by the family. Each persons attends the meeting with an agenda item
or ideas to discuss. The meeting can be formal or informal. The
goal is to increase communication and family togetherness.
Time Out From Each Other. When all else fails, taking a break from
one another may be the answer. Sometimes people need time to cool
off. After some "cooling off time," the siblings can address
the issue with the assistance of a parent or independently.
Author
Derenda Timmons Schubert, Ph.D.
Pacific Northwest Children's Services
Waverly Children's Home
3550 SE Woodward Avenue
Portland, OR 97202
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