talking to my parents

[Lauren_L]

Hi all... just a quick(well actually perhaps long and drawn out) dilemma.

I am sixteen, and recently my five year old brother was diagnosed with autism. My parents had noticed something was up... he would memorize lines from "scooby doo" and repeat them, things from other childrens shows, memorizing childrens books, etcetera. He also would make up nicknames for people, but while most nicknames have a meaning behind them, or some sort of reason the nickname exists, his were just random... he especially liked calling people religious holidays(eg. he would call me "Christmas", my mom was Hannukah, etc). He early on displayed an amazing skill at mechanical knowledge, he can take anything apart and put it back together perfectly, better than I can, and he has done this since he was 2. He was also quite late to crawl, walk, and talk.

Recently he has begun going through this phase(I surely hope its a phase) of hitting me repeatedly, hitting my brother, telling people he wants them to die, attempting to choke my family members. Also, he screams a lot, when a minute detail isnt right it becomes this horrible incident.

my parents and I view how to deal with this differently--they believe in the old school of "tough love, tough love" while I believe this is not helpful at all, having been raised through the "tough love" system and knowing how unworthy it has made me feel.

My parents have also had trouble accepting the diagnosis. I encouraged them to get him screened, and he was diagnosed with it, however they are sure its not the case. While they perhaps have their reasons, I do not feel that denying the disorder is doing him any good.

Another exponent to the problem is of course, me and my "unruly teenager" phase... He is the first child after me, so there is a large age gap between us. With this, comes the problem where I have many of the parental responsibilities, but not the rights of a parent. I probably deal with my brother and see him more than my father, however, my father has the final say. This presents a problem in my eyes, for while I do believe my parents are the authority figures in the household, I also sometimes have imput i would like to share, but am not allowed to.

I would like to try to talk to my parents about this problem, and I was wondering if anyone has any ideas. I have done much of my own research on the subject of autism, and often have printed out pages of symptoms/information and "accidently" left them in places my parents frequent. If anyone has any ideas please respond, as I don't want to mess the poor boy up even more because of the mixed messages he gets. I love him with all my heart.

thank you!
-Lauren

[Harleys Mum]

Only thing I can really say to you Lauren is that from a mothers point of view it is a very distressing time when your child is first diagnosed.
You go through all sorts of feelings from denial, anger to just wondering "why my child" it is a grieving process in a way so just try and give your parents time to come to terms with it. Keep doing as your doing with leaving information around the house where they will find it.
You sound like a very mature young women, just be there to help when the time comes that they are ready to talk and dont forget to help your Mum! :)

[SPIDER]

Lauren,
When your brother starts school his Autism will be picked up by the teaching staff, and then your parents will have no choice but to act unless they want to see him moved from school to school which i doubt very much. When my son was your brothers age as his parents we went through a real tough phase of finding the appropriate help but when he started in a primary school the school voiced their own concerns and now my son has 25 hrs a week 0ne to 0ne support. Don't worry your self about this to much be there for him and show understanding as you are doing, believe me when i say your brother will get the help he needs if not now but when he gets settled in school. The teaching staff in schools now a days are well switched on when it comes to autism especially from my own personal experiance. Remember you are young, don't shoulder the weight of your parents, having a bright child like you it must have come from one of them so i'm sure one of them will react in a positive way soon, even if it is through the school. My son reffered alot to death and telling us he wanted to kill us, we didn't act on it and now it has passed, as you say all these little quirks he has are to do with autism. I don't know and don't quote me on it but it sounds as if he may have aspergers syndrome. Find a book on this and see if it helps.

[1worried]

I really need to know more about the signs and symptoms of autism. Especially the agressive side. My 3 year old grandson is totally out of control. Has been for the last two years. Mom used to restrain him as an infant if he cried to make him fall asleep. He has been in head start programs for speech. We thought perhaps the bad behavior came from not being understood. Like frustration. Anyway, he's extreemly big. Size of a 5 year old. He bites, kicks, growls like a dog, shows his teeth when angry, and hits. No one is immune from his attacks. When he is getting his own way; he will play loudly, watching the same video over and over. He doesn't seem to hear you when he's angry or involved in something. He has no fear of anything or anyone. Often threating to run away. Or saying unapproiate things; such as I hate you, I want you to be dead. He's constantly in motion unless he is asleep. When he naps, and he still will he will sleep for hours. He is not able to make the letter "x" he can imitate two "v's" but can not cross the two lines. We'd like to blame this on not getting the nurturing he needed when he was smaller, but even now he will let you hug a little, but when he's in a tirade, watch out, don't touch, and be careful. He's scarring the daylights out of me. He hurts other children and doesn't seem to mind. Please! Does any of this sound like autism? Agressive Autism? I'll listen to any ideas.